Swapping 'They' for "I", Oh My

If I’m triggered, it’s because something in that moment resonates in me. There’s a block within me resonating with that energy, and it shows up as outrage, resentment, or judgment.

I’ve received this teaching from multiple spiritual teachers, but it didn't stick. A few years back, I started actively using it in my daily practice. When I’m triggered and my mind starts spinning with stories titled “Why are they…” or “Why won’t they…,” I swap out “they” for “I.” Suddenly, it becomes:“Why am I…” or “Why won’t I…”It can be eye-opening, shocking even.  

This practice became a core technique for me a few years back. The company I was working for was going through a transformation in how it did work. For those in IT, it was an Agile Transformation. I had lived through one before, so I could see this company was making it harder than it needed to be. With my previous experience, I became part of the transformation team. Even though I was on the team, I felt like I couldn't make a difference in the approach and became frustrated.  

Cue the complaining—first to colleagues, then louder in my own head. Before long, I was in a full-on internal outrage spiral:

“Why are they making this so hard? It doesn’t need to be this hard!” "Why won't they listen?" "Why can't they learn from my experience?"

That story ran hot for a while. And then the Observer in me kicked in.I paused, leaned in and swapped “they” for “I.”“

Why am I making this so hard? It doesn’t need to be this hard.” "Why won't I listen?" "Why can't I learn from their experience?"

The truth of these statements stopped my mind cold. Like someone had slammed the brakes in a moving car. Oh my.

I began to ask: What am I making so hard?

First, my mind tried avoidance. Surely this must be about enlightenment or some vast soul lesson. (Which, of course, I do make that harder than it needs to be.)

But the idea that this might actually be about my job was harsh. That took a minute to land. I had to ask myself, was I making the job harder than it needed to be?  Was I not listening to others' experiences and perspectives?  The answer was a clear and certain, "Yes."  

What unfolded next was ease. Ease around how I approached my role in the transformation emerged. With this clarity—seeing how my perception of others mirrored my own behavior—I realized I had the power to shift.  I still made the same points in meetings and offered what I had learned, but I didn't need the transformation to unfold as I imagined.  And yes, there was still complaining around the water cooler, but it was without the emotional venom.  The job in fact became easier.

That moment of clarity has carried with me even as I moved on to a new job.  And the technique of swapping they for I has become a frequent tool in my continued transformation.  And still, when I remember to use it, the chattering in my mind halts—swiftly and completely. My awareness shifts and very often my actions too.    

Image by Robin Higgins from Pixabay